If your boss walks up to you and says something like, "Will you please run a report on this data?" You would not imagine saying, "no!" or "why?" or "I'm busy." "Will you please" is a polite command form among adults. And many of us adults use this polite command form with our children. It shows respect of them, we think. My parents have encouraged me to be more authoritative with the girls and not so "polite." The results have been wonderful!
Instead of saying, "Will you please put your clothes on?" I say, "Go, put your clothes on. Please." I am still polite and my tone of voice is respectful, but I no longer give them the option of having an opinion in the matter. Because let's face it, does you boss expect you to have an opinion when he asks you to do something?
I have stopped treating the kids like they are adults and understand the culture of the adult world. I speak to them as if they are children, and they love it! They are so much more obedient and when they are disobedient it is clear to me what the real issue is and I don't have to wonder if they understood me.
I have also quit saying, "OK?" at the end of many statements. In my mind, I was saying, "Do you understand me?" but in a more efficient way. Many adults say this to each other and we all know that we are not asking for permission, but asking if we are understood. But really, the word OK is asking for permission and when the child says, "no" they are disciplined. That must be very confusing for them. For example, "Let's pick up all of the toys before Jane comes over to play, OK?" That sounds very nice, but kids can't read the small print of our culture yet. So, I've changed that to, "I want you to pick up your toys now, before Jane comes over. Do you understand?" Really, to a kid the second way is kinder. They know what is expected of them and they are able to perform to the best of their ability and then earn your praise--which is all they want to do anyway.
Authoritative does not equal "big-fat-meanie" it just equals "mommy." The kids are happier, I am happier and there is more harmony in our home because I have changed two simple ways of speaking. Wow!
Sarah-I have a friend who really needs to learn this lesson with her kids. She is always asking, Is that ok honey? The kids have high anxiety, like you said. Any thoughts about how I could suggest your new strategy to her? I don't want to make her feel judged, especially since I have no kids of my own!
ReplyDeleteGood luck! It's so hard to suggest things to a mother. Perhaps if you approached it from the adult language versus kid language angle. Her kids will learn how to be socially appropriate adults, but first they need to be acknowledged for the children that they are.
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