Good Friday Ponderings

I have enough in my heart to fill many posts, but I will limit it to one subject: life. Today my heart has been pondering 4 lives. Each different, each special, each have impacted me in eternal ways.

The first is Jesus Christ. Today is the day we recognize his death for all sins for all time. What an immeasurable gift grace is! I have not found english words that can describe my thankfulness and wonder at his willingness to lay himself down in my place. I often ponder the grace of God. Will I ever understand it, accept it, or be able to extend it to others? Good Friday is not the end of the story of course. Sunday is coming! He is risen!! Death's door could not hold the Lord and Author of Life. Jesus the Christ is alive and at the right hand of the Father!

The second is my mother. Today is her 5#th birthday. As my heart ponders its thankfulness for the death of my savior, my heart also ponders its thankfulness for the life of my mother. Her impact on me is profound ... and thorough! The reason I do many things a certain way is "because that is how my mom did it." Some trivial examples are: the type of paper towels, number of place settings, size and color of bath towels, and last but not least taking the black crayon out of the box so all the kids' pictures don't look depressing. (Why is it that kids love to scribble in black?) More meaningful examples are: being involved in Bible study, seeking Wisdom, and prayer. It has been a wonderful experience to leave the role of child behind and grow more and more into the role of peer.

The third & forth lives are that of our unborn children. We never officially announced our miscarriage, but on November 20th I was shocked to find out that the baby growing in my belly had no heartbeat! I had no symptoms of miscarriage, in fact I had all the symptoms of a healthy pregnancy. I was 9 weeks and 6 days along when I found out. My D&C was scheduled for the 23rd. The nights between the ultrasound and the D&C were a time for me to come before my savior and grieve. The night of the 20th was like a private memorial service. I was the only one awake and I got out my knitting. What else could I do? God had stopped knitting the child in my womb and I wanted him to continue his project so desperately! Knitting my sock, on my birthday yarn from Aunt Pat, gave me a starting point for prayer. I prayed, knit and cried long into the night. I knew sleep would be far from me until my heart felt a sense of peace. The only way I know to get peace is to genuinely thank God. So I did. I thanked him for the little baby. I thanked him for allowing me to be its mother. And I thanked him for the days he allowed that little baby to grow in my womb. Children are a blessing and just because I didn't get to meet that child it is still a blessing. The D&C was like the burial service. Just before I was wheeled in for the procedure I thanked God again and gave the baby to Him. Unbeknownst to me, my doctor ordered a test on the baby to see what caused the miscarriage. I am so thankful he did. The baby had tri-some 13. So the miscarriage was nothing I did or didn't do and it has no effect on future pregnancies. A month ago a friend told me that because they tested the chromosomes of the baby they found out its sex. It has been months since the extreme pain of those nights and I wasn't sure I wanted to awaken it by learning the baby's gender.

In February, we were allowed to conceive again! Today I went in for my 10 week appointment. There is no sound more beautiful than that of a baby's heartbeat! My heart is overwhelmed by the gift of this child ... well, all my children really. It is such a privilege to be a mother. I marvel at the goodness of God that he would grant us another child and so soon after we lost our 4th. Toward the end of my appointment I asked the doctor the gender of the miscarried baby. It is a boy!!!!! Can you believe it? I can't! We made a boy! I didn't think it was possible for us to make a boy. Of course this current pregnancy may result in another girl, but in Heaven I know there will be at least one son there for me to love. I am very thankful that I decided to ask the doctor about the gender. I feel more connected to our lost child, not in a depressing, debilitating way, but in an encouraging, awesome way. Now I have a more clear picture of my family in my head. Now I can look forward with expectation to meeting that boy! I have given him a name, but Brad and I have not discussed it and so I will not share it here until we come to an agreement. Naming a child is never a quick process for us so don't expect anything too soon. And of course now we will be more inclined to discuss boy names for the baby that will be joining us in October.

And so, of the 4 lives who have been filling my heart today ... all are loved, 1 has been seen, 1 will be seen soon, and 2 remain unseen for the present. The hope of the Gospel is that I will spend eternity loving and seeing all 4! Praise be to the Author of Life.